Friday, December 28, 2007

Dear Chris Jessie (AKA Mack Brown's Stepson)...


Dear Chris Jessie (AKA Mack Brown's Stepson),

Before yesterday's game, no one knew who you were. Maybe... maybe some people knew you as Mack Brown's Stepson. But now, you are your own man. I mean, yeah, you shouldn't have touched the football... or pretended to touch the football... or stepped out onto the field... or been close enough to the field to even think about touching it. And really, you're a member of Mack's "staff"? But, whatever. You're FAMOUS now, Chris Jessie! Congratulations!!!

Hook 'em horns!
Your #1 fan

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Dear Matt Damon...

Dear Matt Damon,

Congratulations on being named the sexiest man alive! I'm not sure what kind of selection process you were forced to go through, but I can only assume it was a rigorous test of your sexiness and manliness. There was probably some sort of weed-out exam administered by the Sexiness Testing Service. But, Matt, I know that those three years of Harvard came in handy in earning that smokin' sexiness aptitude score and compiling your no-doubt impressive CV. Your personal statement must have been right on the money with your combination of wit, sincerity, and sexy. And I'm sure your letters of recommendation from Brad and George carried a lot of weight. I'm glad you were able to make it through the hellish process and finally achieve your goals! So congratulations, Matt Damon, you earned this!!!!

Oh... wait... there was no application process? No CV? No grueling interviews where you have to sit there and look both sexy and manly at the same time? There were just some folks from People magazine who decided to pick you because your movies are successful and the ladies seem to like you? Even better! Congrats!!!

Your #1 fan

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Dear Formal Leotards...

Dear Formal Leotards,

This may seem like an odd letter, but after watching gymnastics on TV last weekend I have a new appreciation for you. The thing is, how can a leotard ever be formal?? You're not wearing pants! Yet, by putting long sleeves on, even though one is wearing the equivalent of a bathing suit, it is somehow now formal. Absolutely amazing. Often times, I too don't want to wear pants to work. Usually I solve this problem by wearing a skirt. Wouldn't it be awesome if a long-sleeved shirt was an acceptable substitute?! Alas, it is not. The power of the long sleeves only applies to the gymnast (and sometimes to the ice skater). Sure, long-sleeved button down shirts are more formal than the short-sleeved shirts, but both still require nice pants on the bottom. So, Formal Leotards, I just wanted to say how impressed I am in how you harnessed the strength of the long-sleeves; others have tried, but none have been as successful as you.

Your #1 fan

Sunday, October 7, 2007

Dear Spam (e-mail, not food product)...

Dear Spam (e-mail, not food product),

I don't really like you, but for a brief moment I thought you were pretty clever. You see, I took a moment to glance at my Spam mailbox for my Gmail account and scrolled through the 20 or so e-mails that had accumulated over the last week. All were very obviously spam, except for one. There was a spam message sent from my name. Now, I forward e-mail from different accounts to my Gmail and I also send myself messages, so I always have messages from myself in my inbox. Clever, I thought, you're really making an effort to get me to read these e-mails. Then I realized, NO, NOT CLEVER, I send all the e-mails to myself, I know which ones they are and when I sent them. Random spam with my name on them is a stupid idea because I obviously know whether or not it is from me! Stop that. Stop all the spam, no one likes you, you go to a special place where people don't even see you. Ever. And stop using my name, it just annoys me.

Your #1 fan (briefly)

Sunday, September 30, 2007

Dear Letter Jackets...

Dear Letter Jackets,

I know you go by many names... Letter Jacket, Letterman Jacket, Varsity Jacket... and that you come in many forms... felt jackets, felt jackets with leather sleeves, sweaters (as per the last scene of Grease)... All of this adds to your mystery; this strange quality that makes you an often-elusive, transient being in the lives of American teenagers. You are highly desired by many 13-18 year olds, yet only the academically/athletically/musically high-achieving students have the honor of your company. But then, as fast as you come into their lives, you are gone. You are sentenced to a back corner of the closet... alone. The moment a high school student graduates is the moment that you are no longer a coveted possession. Instead, you are merely a symbol of past adolescent prowess... of days gone by. But I want you to know, Letter Jackets, that you deserve to be worn again! Not only are you expensive, but you are a perfectly functional mid-weight jacket that would round out any wardrobe. Sure, your colors may be a bit bold and your two tone structure somewhat antiquated, but no one deserves to be relegated to the back of the closet when he has so much life left in him. I appreciate your service and to this date, 10 years after my high school graduation, I still wear you proudly. (well, not really... everyone would make fun of me... but I wish I could... I really wish I could)

Keep on truckin!
Your #1 fan

Sunday, September 9, 2007

Dear Roger Federer...

Dear Roger Federer,

Seriously, Roger, does it get any better??? Four consecutive U.S. Opens, 12 Grand Slam titles, and a fan letter from me!!!

Watching you play is like poetry in motion. Your tennis is effortless and you make everyone else seem like a hack. Unless they beat you. In which case, they seem masterful. And you do it all without sleeveless shirts, on-court dramatics, and short pants. It is a pleasure watching you play. Thank you.

Your #1 fan

Dear Heelys...

Dear Heelys,

I saw you this weekend at the grocery store. There was a kid rolling his way down the gently sloped parking lot to the car. I watched him go all the way down the hill, admiring how cool he looked and secretly hoping he'd hit a pebble or pot hole so I could see him trip. Not that I wanted the kid to get hurt, but it seemed unfair that I had to walk and he got to glide.

Reasons why I think you're great:
1. You defy the laws of English grammar... why aren't you Heelies? or Heely's? Oh, I know. It's because you're awesome.
2. Although I think you are hazardous to the health of anyone over 4 feet tall, I still want a pair.
3. Your promise FAME. Yes, FAME. Right there on your main page you list the things that members of your skate team will receive. First on that list is FAME.
4. "Freedom is a wheel in your sole"... ummm... just the best motto for a sneaker/skate ever!!! I feel all warm and fuzzy inside when I read it. And it makes me think that there is someone very clever and sarcastic working on your team.
5. Even though you only offer child sizes, you categorize your shoes into men's and women's.

Freedom is in my sole!
Your #1 fan

Sunday, September 2, 2007

Dear Air Mattresses...

Dear Air Mattresses,

I think I might have slept on you once in middle school at a sleepover, but I don't really remember how that first meeting went. For the last week, however, you and I have been hanging out every night, and I must say, I'm very impressed! You inflate yourself, and you even come in the "elevated" variety so that I'm more than 6 inches off the floor when laying down! But, this has its ups and its downs. Mostly downs for me, since I have fallen off of you a few times. Twice in my sleep and a couple times while sitting on the edge. I don't blame you, I know it's my own fault for being an edge-of-bed sleeper, and I should know better than to try and sleep/sit on the edge of something squishy. And you think I'd learn, but I don't. Anyways, you are far preferable to sleeping on the floor or on a couch, and I think you would be way fun in a pool or at the beach!

Thanks for everything!
Your #1 fan

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Dear Central Time Zone...

Dear Central Time Zone,

Growing up in the Eastern Time Zone, I was always kind of annoyed that TV stations would waste my time advertising for shows that were on at 10/9 central or such. I always thought that TV stations should understand that everything revolves around the Eastern Time Zone and automatically subtract that one hour. After moving to your area, Central Time Zone, I was reminded of how lame you are on New Year's Eve when we had to watch the ball drop in Times Square that was recorded an hour earlier! Boo!

Well, CTZ, it took some time, but I soon came to love that all the TV shows were on an hour earlier. I love my sleep, but I also love Conan, and when I am with you, CTZ, I can have both. I even like it that they say 10/9 central, so that we too can know what time shows will air without having to subtract 1.

Now, years later, I am in the ETZ again, and it is rocking my world. All the shows are on too late. I get sleepy and have to miss them. But really what I'm missing is you, CTZ. Can't wait to see you again!

Your #1 fan

Dear Righty Tighty, Lefty Loosey...

Dear Righty Tighty, Lefty Loosey,

I've always appreciated your combination of rhyme and alliteration. Furthermore, you have helped me remember a key fact in life, and this is true no matter which hemisphere you are in. I don't remember when I first learned about you... I think it was sometime in elementary school, after I learned how to read, but before I started changing light bulbs. Anyways, the reason I thought of you is that I am currently staying in an apartment which dares to defy you. It's true! All the faucets are Righty Loosey, Lefty Tighty! There is nothing magical about that saying! I want you to know that you are sorely missed, and to commemorate your absence, I wrote a little rhyme for you... I hope you like it! If right is not tight, it's wrong!

Righting wrongs,
Your #1 fan

Monday, August 13, 2007

Dear Matt Damon...

Dear Matt Damon,

I saw the Bourne Ultimatum yesterday and it reminded me why I like you. Nope, not because of your acting, which is fine, it's great, more than great... you're famous because you're an actor. But this is why I like you... because you're clever.

Your #1 fan

Dear Tay Zonday...

Dear Tay Zonday,

So, like 4.5 million other people, I've seen your videos on YouTube. Yes, chocolate rain is profound, weird, and hilarious. Yes, you take breaths away from the microphone. And yes, your video looks like it is from the 80s. But those have all been played out in many blogs and through many chocolate rain imitations. What I want to discuss is your live performance on Jimmy Kimmel. Two things impressed me: 1. you did not blink, 2. your voice is actually that deep. I'm glad you weren't faking the low voice.

Your #1 fan

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Dear Facebook/Friendster/Myspace...

Dear Facebook/Friendster/Myspace,

Thank you for allowing me to make "friends". I collect them like little internet trading cards! They're so much fun and I can read their profiles! I guess having "friends" is better than not having any friends at all!

Your #1 fan

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Dear Lindsay Lohan...

Dear Lindsay,

So, apparently things haven't been going your way lately. The whole cocaine, alcohol, arrest thing must be getting you down. Well, I hope this letter cheers you up!!!

I think you did a superduper job in The Parent Trap back when you were 10 or 8 or 12 (I can't really tell how old you were, but I think it was an even number). You were very convincing and you did a great British accent. Kudos to you, Lindsay! It's a shame that you had to peak at such a young age, but I guess once you do the best remake of the best movie ever, there's only one place to go... down. So I guess that's where you are now... down. Maybe you'll get another remake, or another Tina Fey movie! Or maybe a movie where you get to play two characters! Whatever it is, stay off the coke and booze and I'm sure you'll do a great job!

Your #1 fan

Monday, July 30, 2007

Dear VH1...

Dear VH1,

You see, I used to think you were the boring, older person music video channel. MTV was hipper, younger, and the owner of the original reality tv show, The Real World (where people stop being polite, and start getting real). Now, you are the only music video channel (for people with basic cable). You think in all 99 channels that I get, there could be one less religious channel or home shopping program and one more music video channel. Where are you supposed to turn when you don't like the song that's on? Certainly not the news! Oh, we could probably do with one less of those as well. All 18 news channels report on the same thing at the same time. Except Anderson Cooper. He goes beyond the headlines to tell stories in-depth. I digress... I love VH1 Jump Start in the morning. I like watching two solid weeks of the same music videos over and over. I like going to school with "umbrella... ella... ella... eh... eh... eh" stuck in my head. I like being in touch with the music. What I don't understand is, what happens to all the other music videos? Who watches them? The situation used to be better for music videos when MTV still played lots of hip hop videos in the mornings. But recently they have started to show some below average reality show that I don't know. Anyway, keep playing those music videos!

Your #1 fan

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Dear Champagne...

Dear Champagne,

You're so delicious and bubbly! I just got back from a wedding, and now I can't stop thinking about you. My words alone cannot do you justice, but Don Ho's can...

Tiny bubbles in the wine,
make me happy, make me feel fine,
tiny bubbles make me warm all over
with a feeling that I'm gonna love you 'til the end of time.

So here's to the golden moon,
and here's to the silver sea,
and mostly here's a toast to you and me,

Your #1 fan

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Dear Valet People...

Dear Valet People,

I was going to address the letter to Valet Men, but then I realized that just because I have never seen a Valet Woman does not preclude her existence. So I wrote to the gender-neutral Valet People instead. I guess being a Valet Person is a pretty male-dominated field, though... kinda like orthopedic surgery, pipe fitting, and men's basketball. Anyway, I just wanted to write and tell you how much fun it is to watch you guys run to go get the cars! Literally, run. There's always a string of you, running that same course... almost like a trail of ants. I think it is supercute! Some of you put a little more effort into it than others (honestly! some of you look like you're just going through the motions!), but, in general, it's a good show. I believe that you are trying to get my car as fast as your little legs can. Although, you know, you totally give away the secret places you park the cars. It kind of dilutes the mystery of the valet, but I'm learning to deal with it. Also, I think you are all excellent reverse parkers! I once backed into a pole while reversing my car into a spot, so I have a particular appreciation for this skill. Keep up the good work!

Your #1 fan

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Dear Wireless Internet...

Dear Wireless Internet,

Thank you for setting me free! Now I can keep my laptop by my side... at the ready... on the tips of my fingers... almost. Although you have set me free from the chains of my modem, I am still held captive by the power cord and the ridiculously low battery life of laptops. But I appreciate your effort!

Your #1 fan

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Dear Fug Girls...

Dear Fug Girls,

I cannot believe I have put off writing your letter for this long. I have been overwhelmed by my feelings, and subsequently avoided articulating them. But I have so much to say! I think a list would be easier for me...

Things I love about your site...

1. this post about Jessica Simpson
2. your love/hate relationships with Lindsey Lohan and the Peldons
3. Intern George
4. your dedication to the demise of leggings, tiny vests, and too-skinniness
5. Intern George
6. Celebrity Terror Watch (with the easy to understand color-coded scale)

Things I don't love about your site...

Could you hook me up with an intern also? Preferably one named Brad? Thanks a bunch!!

Your #1 fan

Friday, July 20, 2007

Dear The Girls Next Door...

Dear The Girls Next Door,

For reasons I cannot explain, I am unnaturally attracted to your show. I don't understand the group dynamic over there at the playboy mansion, and, honestly, I don't understand what you three do all day, but it seems like fun! I made you this picture... enjoy!

Your #1 fan

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Dear Radar Detectors...

Dear Radar Detectors,

I haven't really thought about you since the mid 90s, but we were recently reacquainted. I was expecting you to do fancy things like long-distance taser cops who might be checking your speed... or assume control of the car and initiate a high-speed chase. But, like your name implies, you detect radars. That's pretty good too!

Your #1 Fan

Friday, July 13, 2007

Dear bread bowls...

Dear bread bowls,

I wanted to honor you as the final member of the holy trinity of edible containers. It's not easy to hold hot soup, but you do it well! And I don't even need crackers on the side because I can scoop some bread into each bite. Nutricious AND delicious.. keep up the good work!

Your #1 Fan

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Dear Tostitos Scoops...

Dear Scoops,

You are like the cousin to the ice cream cone. Both delicious and an efficient container! As I right this letter, I am able to enjoy guacamole and keep my fingers clean enough to type on this computer. Thanks for making this possible!

Your #1 Fan

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Dear Ice cream cones...

Dear Ice cream cones,

I think it is super duper that you are an edible container! (and you are delicious) Although we've had our issues when you sometimes choose to drip out the bottom, in general, I think that society should use you as a model for waste reduction. You're very efficient and children love you. Anyways, keep up the good work!

Your #1 fan

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Dear Britney...

Dear Britney,

There were rumors that you were going to have a come back tour. And that a new single would be released today. But those rumors were wrong. I think it's for the best. Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for not making music! (you should take some more time to concentrate on your kids, your rehab, and growing out your hair)

Your #1 Fan

Saturday, July 7, 2007

Dear Ina...

Dear Ina Garten,

You have a show on the Food Network and some books and you have a gentle voice. All good things. But I really like your name. The only name that would've been better is Rose Garten! I made a special picture for you. I hope you like it!

Your #1 Fan

Friday, July 6, 2007

Dear Man (v. Wild)...

Dear Man,

I think you are awesome, and I have a lot to learn from you. You are like a cross between an uber Eagle Scout and MacGyver. But please... when you're telling me about how you are going into the wilderness with minimal supplies and how you're going to suck the juice from tiny berries and clean your teeth with leaves, please, please do not say this... "I am going into the wilderness with only a bottle of water, a knife, and a camera crew." Why don't you just go ahead and leave the camera crew part of it out. It kind of diminishes your accomplishments and makes me believe that I too need a camera crew to survive in the wilderness. Other than that, keep up the good work!

Your #1 Fan

Thursday, July 5, 2007

What a Burger!

Dear Whataburger,

There are lots of reasons I prefer your late night fries over those of your competitors. The first of which is that I love your little tubs of ketchup. Here is why:

1. The ketchup tastes better than other fast food ketchups. I don't know why. Is it a special blend of tomato paste and corn syrup that you use? Are the ingredients organic? Did they come from a small farm in the south of France where they specialize in making pastes and syrups from the finest ingredients? Perhaps it is the combination of onion powder, garlic powder, and natural flavor? Whatever it is... it tastes good.

2. It comes in a convenient dipping tub. This should have been my first reason for loving your ketchup. Because the cute little tubbies are awesome! No mess, no ketchupy fingers, and definitely no lingering ketchup smell on your fingers for hours afterwards. I don't know why other fast food restaurants don't do this. I just want you to know that your thoughtfulness has not gone unnoticed.

3. You have immortalized your ketchup in the form of a fancy ketchup mousepad. I want one.

Other things I love about Whataburger:

1. the coarsely ground pepper. (it really tastes like pepper! not like black flecks in your food, but like REAL pepper!)
2. the malts. admittedly, they are mediocre malts, but this is a fast food restaurant...
3. the man on the commercials who says "What a burger!"

Keep those tubbies of ketchup coming!

Your #1 Fan

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Dear JT...

Dear JT,

Thanks for helping bring sexy back. For years I had been trying to go it alone. I put on a strong face, but sexy is really hard to bring back, and it was a lonely road. It was a heavy burden for these two little shoulders to carry, but combined with your two little shoulders, we were able to do it. Oh yeah, the song was a nice tribute to the struggle. (unfortunately, you did not give me credit for my part in this epic battle... but that's ok... i'm learning to deal with it) There are two lines that I found particularly inspirational...
1. "So turn around and I'll pick up the slack"
2. "Get your sexy on"

Getting my sexy on,
Your #1 Fan

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Dear People magazine...

Dear People magazine,

Thanks for doing what you do. You are the New York Times of celebrity gossip magazines. You treat the material you cover with the appropriate gravity and consideration. I'm glad that someone is taking this stuff seriously. It is important to me to know who looked better in the same outfit and to know what celebrities do in their free time! Moreover, it is essential that I know how to get celebrity looks for less!

Lately, you have also become the premiere forum for celebrities to debut their sexual orientation and their newborns. People who have come out in People include: Neil Patrick Harris, TR Knight, and Lance Bass. All important members of our community. Children who have made their debuts in People include: Shiloh, the Dempsey twins, Tiger Woods' kid, and pretty much every other celebrity kid whose parents are willing/honored to put their newborns in a magazine of your caliber.

Finally, you attempt to rise above your lot in life by providing the general public with opinions on books and movies (which we skip over). You even appeal to the common man by writing about real-life heroes and everyday success stories (which we skip over). But I appreciate the thought. You also don't usually make up stories like USweekly and Star. Keep up the good work!

Your #1 Fan

Monday, July 2, 2007

Dear Ze...

Dear Ze Frank,

"How to Dance Properly"
is the cornerstone of my dancing foundation. I have been studying your school of dance for many years now, and I feel I have been able to gain some level of proficiency. I was a big hit at all the college parties when I would "Ride the Pony" or "Make Love to the Crowd". Since then, I have really been working on my "Advanced Dancing", my favorite of which is the "Titanic". I have seen many of your moves mimicked on "Dancing with the Stars". But NO ONE can dance like you do.

There are two dance explanations that I find particularly insightful....
1. from the "Titanic"... where you say how this dance is "a metaphor for human perserverance over hardship (or not-so-hard ship as the case may be)"
2. from "Make Love to the Crowd"... "The dancer is above the crowd, surveying his fief, before pausing to offer a hand of support to the commoner beneath him"

Your "prose" is exquisite.

I am using lots of "quotes".

The rest of your website is great too. We'll talk about that later.

Your #1 Fan

Sunday, July 1, 2007

Dear Chris Harrison...

Dear Chris Harrison,

Thank you for being a friend. Traveling around the world and back
again. Your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidante.

You are the heart and soul of the bachelor/bachelorette series.

God bless you,
Your #1 Fan

Saturday, June 30, 2007

Dear George Clooney...

Dear George Clooney,

You're witty, sarcastic, and sharp. In fact, you remind me of myself. Except there is one glaring difference, you are an extremely good-looking, famous, rich guy. Ok, that was four glaring differences. Anyway, my point being that: 1) even though people may not get your jokes any more often than they get mine, they are more willing to fake-laugh for you, 2) you are able to criticize the ludicrousness of modern American society without people thinking you are mean (I attribute this mainly to the fact that you are very good looking and people don't want to believe that anyone who is pretty can be mean).

So, George Clooney, lesson learned. I will try to be better looking.

Your #1 Fan

Friday, June 29, 2007

Dear YouTube...

Dear YouTube,

You have a special place in MyHeart. You have revolutionized the way media is shared. You took the internet one step further. You broke boundaries. You allow the world to share a piece of itself and a piece of what it enjoys with eachother. (even if these pieces should often times be kept to oneself) It is amazing to me how many videos and how many users are a part of YouTube. Even more amazing is how much spare time people have to record random things and put them on the internet.

But enought about You(Tube). Let's talk about what instigated the
writing of this letter. It was the simple conversation that occurred
amongst friends.

FRIEND: Hi #1 Fan, what's up?

#1 Fan: Same old, same old.

FRIEND: Seen anything interesting on the internet lately?

#1 Fan: You bet I have! The other day, on MyTube... what? Did I just
say MyTube???

And THAT is how I feel about You(Tube).

Your #1 Fan

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Dear CNN...

This e-mail was sent to me with the subject "required reading".

CNN has now written an article on the 2-year-marriage-followed-by-divorce
trend that you have been carefully tracking all year long.

It's about time you got with the program, CNN.

There was a link to an article about all the recent celebrity breakups and how they seemed to be between more successful wives and less successful husbands. The article doesn't exist anymore, but they mainly wrote about Hillary Swank and Reese Witherspoon. This whole trend-tracking thing started when one of my college friends (C) got divorced and I somehow had this feeling that all my friends were getting divorced. Well, they were. I carefully noted each breakup amongst my "friends" months before CNN decided to publish their article. This was my response...

Dear CNN,

What does CNN stand for anyway? Certainly not Cable News Network! How about Copy Number one fan's News! Yeah! Take that, CNN. I totally picked up on this story with the split of the atmospherically popular C and her less bankable husband, J. Oh, and you left them out of the article. As you did with Kate Hudson and Chris Robinson (you can file them under "infidelity"). How about Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey (America's favorite divorcees) and Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro (America's favorite freakshow couple). You can file them under "MTV killed whatever little we had". And where is the humanity and sensitivity you are famous for? Why did you not mention how the ideal world of Hollywood fame and fortune is faltering? How this series of divorces combined with Mel Gibson's tirade have taken the shine off the Hollywood glow? What is your average Joe/Jane supposed to look up to? We want hair extensions, fake tans, marriages that last more than 5 years, and people to bite back the bitterness of their unequal successes and pretend that their lives are great!!! Because everyone knows that our lives would be better with money. I know, I know, money doesn't buy you happiness; but, it does make you better looking and it can certainly buy you friends who in turn make you happy.
So, CNN, although your article was less than thorough, lacked the sensitivity of a true gossip magazine, and was slightly delayed, I acknowledge your attempt to branch out into "Entertainment News" and respect your attempt to bring light to an important story. However, perhaps, in the future, you can work on your pattern recognition skills and jump on stories like this a little earlier.

Your sometimes #1 Fan

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Dear C. Monks...

Dear C. Monks,

You, my friend, are an utter wonder. Consider this to be a fan letter to your fan letters to Star Jones. They're awesome! (and so are you!) For the past 6 years you have been able to "communicate" with Mrs. Jones Reynolds on the goings on of both your lives. Some of my favorite topics are the one-sided battle with Judith Light, your Congressional internship, and the day you asked Star "What's a blog?". But the beauty of your work lies in your ability to maintain a continuity from letter to letter while still being completely random. Mainly that continuity is your ingrown toenail and your thinly veiled love for Star, but that's fine. Although I cannot condone either. And you write letters from the future! Like I said... an utter wonder... you are able to write fan letters to Star Jones AND time travel... amazing. U r my rock.

Stay Gold!
Your #1 Fan

Oh hai...

Oh hai, lolcats. Im in ur blogz, luvin your postz.

Let's start off with this... in general, I disagree with the use of the abbreviation "lol". Rarely do things on the internet actually make me lol, and I think it is grossly overused for a lack of a better response. But, lolcats, you DO make me LOL. You are so cute and cuddly and grammatically incorrect. I love the baby talk, phonetic spellings, and cleverness of it all. I love saying "oh hai" and "k bai", and I love checking your website everyday for more pictures. Genius, pure genius.

Iz sleepy now, is time for bed.

K bai,
Your #1 Fan

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Dear Wentworth Miller...

an old letter...

Dear Wentworth Miller,

I saw you on The View a while back, and I was impressed. Sure, you're a good looking guy and combined with your acting skills and your perseverance you seem to have landed yourself on America's TV (and in America's hearts). However, that is not what impressed me. It was your SAT-like vocabulary, your ability to schmooze with the ladies of The View, and the fact that your pants are worn just a little too high. What this says to me:

1. you are educated (and not in that "i'm an actor who got into princeton/harvard/stanford/columbia because i'm a semi-famous entity who is going to an ivy-league caliber school even though i am a substandard candidate" kind of way)
2. you can talk to moms and be charming (at the same time)
3. you're a dork

I just wanted to thank you for being a classy, normal guy who doesn't wear skinny jeans and party like a rock star because he's suddenly found himself a steady job.

Keep it classy,
Your #1 Fan

Dear Blogs...

Dear Blogs,

I'm your number one fan! Thank you for giving the world another forum of communication that it does not need and for giving me a wholly unproductive way to spend my time. Moreover, thank you for giving me immediate updates on celebrity foibles, tips on how to be frugal, and access to the minutiae of random people's lives. You are turning our society inward... leading us in the direction of electronic interactions in lieu of face-to-face interactions... and for this, Blogs, I thank you dearly.

Your #1 Fan