Dear Central Time Zone...

Dear Central Time Zone,



Growing up in the Eastern Time Zone, I was always kind of annoyed that TV stations would waste my time advertising for shows that were on at 10/9 central or such. I always thought that TV stations should understand that everything revolves around the Eastern Time Zone and automatically subtract that one hour. After moving to your area, Central Time Zone, I was reminded of how lame you are on New Year's Eve when we had to watch the ball drop in Times Square that was recorded an hour earlier! Boo!

Well, CTZ, it took some time, but I soon came to love that all the TV shows were on an hour earlier. I love my sleep, but I also love Conan, and when I am with you, CTZ, I can have both. I even like it that they say 10/9 central, so that we too can know what time shows will air without having to subtract 1.

Now, years later, I am in the ETZ again, and it is rocking my world. All the shows are on too late. I get sleepy and have to miss them. But really what I'm missing is you, CTZ. Can't wait to see you again!

Sincerely,
Your #1 fan

Dear Righty Tighty, Lefty Loosey...

Dear Righty Tighty, Lefty Loosey,

I've always appreciated your combination of rhyme and alliteration. Furthermore, you have helped me remember a key fact in life, and this is true no matter which hemisphere you are in. I don't remember when I first learned about you... I think it was sometime in elementary school, after I learned how to read, but before I started changing light bulbs. Anyways, the reason I thought of you is that I am currently staying in an apartment which dares to defy you. It's true! All the faucets are Righty Loosey, Lefty Tighty! There is nothing magical about that saying! I want you to know that you are sorely missed, and to commemorate your absence, I wrote a little rhyme for you... I hope you like it! If right is not tight, it's wrong!

Righting wrongs,
Your #1 fan

Dear Matt Damon...

Dear Matt Damon,

I saw the Bourne Ultimatum yesterday and it reminded me why I like you. Nope, not because of your acting, which is fine, it's great, more than great... you're famous because you're an actor. But this is why I like you... because you're clever.

Sincerely,
Your #1 fan

Dear Tay Zonday...

Dear Tay Zonday,

So, like 4.5 million other people, I've seen your videos on YouTube. Yes, chocolate rain is profound, weird, and hilarious. Yes, you take breaths away from the microphone. And yes, your video looks like it is from the 80s. But those have all been played out in many blogs and through many chocolate rain imitations. What I want to discuss is your live performance on Jimmy Kimmel. Two things impressed me: 1. you did not blink, 2. your voice is actually that deep. I'm glad you weren't faking the low voice.

Sincerely,
Your #1 fan

Dear Facebook/Friendster/Myspace...

Dear Facebook/Friendster/Myspace,

Thank you for allowing me to make "friends". I collect them like little internet trading cards! They're so much fun and I can read their profiles! I guess having "friends" is better than not having any friends at all!

Sincerely,
Your #1 fan