Saturday, June 30, 2007

Dear George Clooney...

Dear George Clooney,

You're witty, sarcastic, and sharp. In fact, you remind me of myself. Except there is one glaring difference, you are an extremely good-looking, famous, rich guy. Ok, that was four glaring differences. Anyway, my point being that: 1) even though people may not get your jokes any more often than they get mine, they are more willing to fake-laugh for you, 2) you are able to criticize the ludicrousness of modern American society without people thinking you are mean (I attribute this mainly to the fact that you are very good looking and people don't want to believe that anyone who is pretty can be mean).

So, George Clooney, lesson learned. I will try to be better looking.

Your #1 Fan

Friday, June 29, 2007

Dear YouTube...

Dear YouTube,

You have a special place in MyHeart. You have revolutionized the way media is shared. You took the internet one step further. You broke boundaries. You allow the world to share a piece of itself and a piece of what it enjoys with eachother. (even if these pieces should often times be kept to oneself) It is amazing to me how many videos and how many users are a part of YouTube. Even more amazing is how much spare time people have to record random things and put them on the internet.

But enought about You(Tube). Let's talk about what instigated the
writing of this letter. It was the simple conversation that occurred
amongst friends.

FRIEND: Hi #1 Fan, what's up?

#1 Fan: Same old, same old.

FRIEND: Seen anything interesting on the internet lately?

#1 Fan: You bet I have! The other day, on MyTube... what? Did I just
say MyTube???

And THAT is how I feel about You(Tube).

Your #1 Fan

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Dear CNN...

This e-mail was sent to me with the subject "required reading".

CNN has now written an article on the 2-year-marriage-followed-by-divorce
trend that you have been carefully tracking all year long.

It's about time you got with the program, CNN.

There was a link to an article about all the recent celebrity breakups and how they seemed to be between more successful wives and less successful husbands. The article doesn't exist anymore, but they mainly wrote about Hillary Swank and Reese Witherspoon. This whole trend-tracking thing started when one of my college friends (C) got divorced and I somehow had this feeling that all my friends were getting divorced. Well, they were. I carefully noted each breakup amongst my "friends" months before CNN decided to publish their article. This was my response...

Dear CNN,

What does CNN stand for anyway? Certainly not Cable News Network! How about Copy Number one fan's News! Yeah! Take that, CNN. I totally picked up on this story with the split of the atmospherically popular C and her less bankable husband, J. Oh, and you left them out of the article. As you did with Kate Hudson and Chris Robinson (you can file them under "infidelity"). How about Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey (America's favorite divorcees) and Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro (America's favorite freakshow couple). You can file them under "MTV killed whatever little we had". And where is the humanity and sensitivity you are famous for? Why did you not mention how the ideal world of Hollywood fame and fortune is faltering? How this series of divorces combined with Mel Gibson's tirade have taken the shine off the Hollywood glow? What is your average Joe/Jane supposed to look up to? We want hair extensions, fake tans, marriages that last more than 5 years, and people to bite back the bitterness of their unequal successes and pretend that their lives are great!!! Because everyone knows that our lives would be better with money. I know, I know, money doesn't buy you happiness; but, it does make you better looking and it can certainly buy you friends who in turn make you happy.
So, CNN, although your article was less than thorough, lacked the sensitivity of a true gossip magazine, and was slightly delayed, I acknowledge your attempt to branch out into "Entertainment News" and respect your attempt to bring light to an important story. However, perhaps, in the future, you can work on your pattern recognition skills and jump on stories like this a little earlier.

Your sometimes #1 Fan

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Dear C. Monks...

Dear C. Monks,

You, my friend, are an utter wonder. Consider this to be a fan letter to your fan letters to Star Jones. They're awesome! (and so are you!) For the past 6 years you have been able to "communicate" with Mrs. Jones Reynolds on the goings on of both your lives. Some of my favorite topics are the one-sided battle with Judith Light, your Congressional internship, and the day you asked Star "What's a blog?". But the beauty of your work lies in your ability to maintain a continuity from letter to letter while still being completely random. Mainly that continuity is your ingrown toenail and your thinly veiled love for Star, but that's fine. Although I cannot condone either. And you write letters from the future! Like I said... an utter wonder... you are able to write fan letters to Star Jones AND time travel... amazing. U r my rock.

Stay Gold!
Your #1 Fan

Oh hai...

Oh hai, lolcats. Im in ur blogz, luvin your postz.

Let's start off with this... in general, I disagree with the use of the abbreviation "lol". Rarely do things on the internet actually make me lol, and I think it is grossly overused for a lack of a better response. But, lolcats, you DO make me LOL. You are so cute and cuddly and grammatically incorrect. I love the baby talk, phonetic spellings, and cleverness of it all. I love saying "oh hai" and "k bai", and I love checking your website everyday for more pictures. Genius, pure genius.

Iz sleepy now, is time for bed.

K bai,
Your #1 Fan

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Dear Wentworth Miller...

an old letter...

Dear Wentworth Miller,

I saw you on The View a while back, and I was impressed. Sure, you're a good looking guy and combined with your acting skills and your perseverance you seem to have landed yourself on America's TV (and in America's hearts). However, that is not what impressed me. It was your SAT-like vocabulary, your ability to schmooze with the ladies of The View, and the fact that your pants are worn just a little too high. What this says to me:

1. you are educated (and not in that "i'm an actor who got into princeton/harvard/stanford/columbia because i'm a semi-famous entity who is going to an ivy-league caliber school even though i am a substandard candidate" kind of way)
2. you can talk to moms and be charming (at the same time)
3. you're a dork

I just wanted to thank you for being a classy, normal guy who doesn't wear skinny jeans and party like a rock star because he's suddenly found himself a steady job.

Keep it classy,
Your #1 Fan

Dear Blogs...

Dear Blogs,

I'm your number one fan! Thank you for giving the world another forum of communication that it does not need and for giving me a wholly unproductive way to spend my time. Moreover, thank you for giving me immediate updates on celebrity foibles, tips on how to be frugal, and access to the minutiae of random people's lives. You are turning our society inward... leading us in the direction of electronic interactions in lieu of face-to-face interactions... and for this, Blogs, I thank you dearly.

Your #1 Fan