Dear Lindsay Lohan...

Dear Lindsay,

So, apparently things haven't been going your way lately. The whole cocaine, alcohol, arrest thing must be getting you down. Well, I hope this letter cheers you up!!!

I think you did a superduper job in The Parent Trap back when you were 10 or 8 or 12 (I can't really tell how old you were, but I think it was an even number). You were very convincing and you did a great British accent. Kudos to you, Lindsay! It's a shame that you had to peak at such a young age, but I guess once you do the best remake of the best movie ever, there's only one place to go... down. So I guess that's where you are now... down. Maybe you'll get another remake, or another Tina Fey movie! Or maybe a movie where you get to play two characters! Whatever it is, stay off the coke and booze and I'm sure you'll do a great job!

Sincerely,
Your #1 fan

Dear VH1...

Dear VH1,

You see, I used to think you were the boring, older person music video channel. MTV was hipper, younger, and the owner of the original reality tv show, The Real World (where people stop being polite, and start getting real). Now, you are the only music video channel (for people with basic cable). You think in all 99 channels that I get, there could be one less religious channel or home shopping program and one more music video channel. Where are you supposed to turn when you don't like the song that's on? Certainly not the news! Oh, we could probably do with one less of those as well. All 18 news channels report on the same thing at the same time. Except Anderson Cooper. He goes beyond the headlines to tell stories in-depth. I digress... I love VH1 Jump Start in the morning. I like watching two solid weeks of the same music videos over and over. I like going to school with "umbrella... ella... ella... eh... eh... eh" stuck in my head. I like being in touch with the music. What I don't understand is, what happens to all the other music videos? Who watches them? The situation used to be better for music videos when MTV still played lots of hip hop videos in the mornings. But recently they have started to show some below average reality show that I don't know. Anyway, keep playing those music videos!

Sincerely,
Your #1 fan

Dear Champagne...

Dear Champagne,

You're so delicious and bubbly! I just got back from a wedding, and now I can't stop thinking about you. My words alone cannot do you justice, but Don Ho's can...

Tiny bubbles in the wine,
make me happy, make me feel fine,
tiny bubbles make me warm all over
with a feeling that I'm gonna love you 'til the end of time.

So here's to the golden moon,
and here's to the silver sea,
and mostly here's a toast to you and me,

Cheers,
Your #1 fan

Dear Valet People...

Dear Valet People,

I was going to address the letter to Valet Men, but then I realized that just because I have never seen a Valet Woman does not preclude her existence. So I wrote to the gender-neutral Valet People instead. I guess being a Valet Person is a pretty male-dominated field, though... kinda like orthopedic surgery, pipe fitting, and men's basketball. Anyway, I just wanted to write and tell you how much fun it is to watch you guys run to go get the cars! Literally, run. There's always a string of you, running that same course... almost like a trail of ants. I think it is supercute! Some of you put a little more effort into it than others (honestly! some of you look like you're just going through the motions!), but, in general, it's a good show. I believe that you are trying to get my car as fast as your little legs can. Although, you know, you totally give away the secret places you park the cars. It kind of dilutes the mystery of the valet, but I'm learning to deal with it. Also, I think you are all excellent reverse parkers! I once backed into a pole while reversing my car into a spot, so I have a particular appreciation for this skill. Keep up the good work!

Sincerely,
Your #1 fan

Dear Wireless Internet...

Dear Wireless Internet,

Thank you for setting me free! Now I can keep my laptop by my side... at the ready... on the tips of my fingers... almost. Although you have set me free from the chains of my modem, I am still held captive by the power cord and the ridiculously low battery life of laptops. But I appreciate your effort!

Thanks!
Your #1 fan

Dear Fug Girls...

Dear Fug Girls,

I cannot believe I have put off writing your letter for this long. I have been overwhelmed by my feelings, and subsequently avoided articulating them. But I have so much to say! I think a list would be easier for me...

Things I love about your site...

1. this post about Jessica Simpson
2. your love/hate relationships with Lindsey Lohan and the Peldons
3. Intern George
4. your dedication to the demise of leggings, tiny vests, and too-skinniness
5. Intern George
6. Celebrity Terror Watch (with the easy to understand color-coded scale)


Things I don't love about your site...
nothing!

Could you hook me up with an intern also? Preferably one named Brad? Thanks a bunch!!

Sincerely,
Your #1 fan

Dear The Girls Next Door...

Dear The Girls Next Door,

For reasons I cannot explain, I am unnaturally attracted to your show. I don't understand the group dynamic over there at the playboy mansion, and, honestly, I don't understand what you three do all day, but it seems like fun! I made you this picture... enjoy!

Sincerely,
Your #1 fan

Dear Radar Detectors...

Dear Radar Detectors,

I haven't really thought about you since the mid 90s, but we were recently reacquainted. I was expecting you to do fancy things like long-distance taser cops who might be checking your speed... or assume control of the car and initiate a high-speed chase. But, like your name implies, you detect radars. That's pretty good too!

Sincerely,
Your #1 Fan

Dear bread bowls...

Dear bread bowls,

I wanted to honor you as the final member of the holy trinity of edible containers. It's not easy to hold hot soup, but you do it well! And I don't even need crackers on the side because I can scoop some bread into each bite. Nutricious AND delicious.. keep up the good work!

Sincerely
Your #1 Fan

Dear Tostitos Scoops...

Dear Scoops,

You are like the cousin to the ice cream cone. Both delicious and an efficient container! As I right this letter, I am able to enjoy guacamole and keep my fingers clean enough to type on this computer. Thanks for making this possible!

Sincerely,
Your #1 Fan

Dear Ice cream cones...

Dear Ice cream cones,

I think it is super duper that you are an edible container! (and you are delicious) Although we've had our issues when you sometimes choose to drip out the bottom, in general, I think that society should use you as a model for waste reduction. You're very efficient and children love you. Anyways, keep up the good work!

Sincerely,
Your #1 fan

Dear Britney...

Dear Britney,

There were rumors that you were going to have a come back tour. And that a new single would be released today. But those rumors were wrong. I think it's for the best. Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for not making music! (you should take some more time to concentrate on your kids, your rehab, and growing out your hair)

Sincerely,
Your #1 Fan

Dear Ina...

Dear Ina Garten,

You have a show on the Food Network and some books and you have a gentle voice. All good things. But I really like your name. The only name that would've been better is Rose Garten! I made a special picture for you. I hope you like it!



Sincerely,
Your #1 Fan

Dear Man (v. Wild)...

Dear Man,

I think you are awesome, and I have a lot to learn from you. You are like a cross between an uber Eagle Scout and MacGyver. But please... when you're telling me about how you are going into the wilderness with minimal supplies and how you're going to suck the juice from tiny berries and clean your teeth with leaves, please, please do not say this... "I am going into the wilderness with only a bottle of water, a knife, and a camera crew." Why don't you just go ahead and leave the camera crew part of it out. It kind of diminishes your accomplishments and makes me believe that I too need a camera crew to survive in the wilderness. Other than that, keep up the good work!

Sincerely,
Your #1 Fan

What a Burger!

Dear Whataburger,

There are lots of reasons I prefer your late night fries over those of your competitors. The first of which is that I love your little tubs of ketchup. Here is why:

1. The ketchup tastes better than other fast food ketchups. I don't know why. Is it a special blend of tomato paste and corn syrup that you use? Are the ingredients organic? Did they come from a small farm in the south of France where they specialize in making pastes and syrups from the finest ingredients? Perhaps it is the combination of onion powder, garlic powder, and natural flavor? Whatever it is... it tastes good.

2. It comes in a convenient dipping tub. This should have been my first reason for loving your ketchup. Because the cute little tubbies are awesome! No mess, no ketchupy fingers, and definitely no lingering ketchup smell on your fingers for hours afterwards. I don't know why other fast food restaurants don't do this. I just want you to know that your thoughtfulness has not gone unnoticed.

3. You have immortalized your ketchup in the form of a fancy ketchup mousepad. I want one.

Other things I love about Whataburger:

1. the coarsely ground pepper. (it really tastes like pepper! not like black flecks in your food, but like REAL pepper!)
2. the malts. admittedly, they are mediocre malts, but this is a fast food restaurant...
3. the man on the commercials who says "What a burger!"

Keep those tubbies of ketchup coming!

Sincerely,
Your #1 Fan

Dear JT...

Dear JT,

Thanks for helping bring sexy back. For years I had been trying to go it alone. I put on a strong face, but sexy is really hard to bring back, and it was a lonely road. It was a heavy burden for these two little shoulders to carry, but combined with your two little shoulders, we were able to do it. Oh yeah, the song was a nice tribute to the struggle. (unfortunately, you did not give me credit for my part in this epic battle... but that's ok... i'm learning to deal with it) There are two lines that I found particularly inspirational...
1. "So turn around and I'll pick up the slack"
2. "Get your sexy on"

Getting my sexy on,
Your #1 Fan

Dear People magazine...

Dear People magazine,

Thanks for doing what you do. You are the New York Times of celebrity gossip magazines. You treat the material you cover with the appropriate gravity and consideration. I'm glad that someone is taking this stuff seriously. It is important to me to know who looked better in the same outfit and to know what celebrities do in their free time! Moreover, it is essential that I know how to get celebrity looks for less!

Lately, you have also become the premiere forum for celebrities to debut their sexual orientation and their newborns. People who have come out in People include: Neil Patrick Harris, TR Knight, and Lance Bass. All important members of our community. Children who have made their debuts in People include: Shiloh, the Dempsey twins, Tiger Woods' kid, and pretty much every other celebrity kid whose parents are willing/honored to put their newborns in a magazine of your caliber.

Finally, you attempt to rise above your lot in life by providing the general public with opinions on books and movies (which we skip over). You even appeal to the common man by writing about real-life heroes and everyday success stories (which we skip over). But I appreciate the thought. You also don't usually make up stories like USweekly and Star. Keep up the good work!

Sincerely,
Your #1 Fan

Dear Ze...

Dear Ze Frank,

"How to Dance Properly" is the cornerstone of my dancing foundation. I have been studying your school of dance for many years now, and I feel I have been able to gain some level of proficiency. I was a big hit at all the college parties when I would "Ride the Pony" or "Make Love to the Crowd". Since then, I have really been working on my "Advanced Dancing", my favorite of which is the "Titanic". I have seen many of your moves mimicked on "Dancing with the Stars". But NO ONE can dance like you do.


There are two dance explanations that I find particularly insightful....
1. from the "Titanic"... where you say how this dance is "a metaphor for human perserverance over hardship (or not-so-hard ship as the case may be)"
2. from "Make Love to the Crowd"... "The dancer is above the crowd, surveying his fief, before pausing to offer a hand of support to the commoner beneath him"

Your "prose" is exquisite.

I am using lots of "quotes".

The rest of your website is great too. We'll talk about that later.

Sincerely,
Your #1 Fan

Dear Chris Harrison...

Dear Chris Harrison,

Thank you for being a friend. Traveling around the world and back
again. Your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidante.

You are the heart and soul of the bachelor/bachelorette series.

God bless you,
Your #1 Fan