Dear Letter Jackets...

Dear Letter Jackets,

I know you go by many names... Letter Jacket, Letterman Jacket, Varsity Jacket... and that you come in many forms... felt jackets, felt jackets with leather sleeves, sweaters (as per the last scene of Grease)... All of this adds to your mystery; this strange quality that makes you an often-elusive, transient being in the lives of American teenagers. You are highly desired by many 13-18 year olds, yet only the academically/athletically/musically high-achieving students have the honor of your company. But then, as fast as you come into their lives, you are gone. You are sentenced to a back corner of the closet... alone. The moment a high school student graduates is the moment that you are no longer a coveted possession. Instead, you are merely a symbol of past adolescent prowess... of days gone by. But I want you to know, Letter Jackets, that you deserve to be worn again! Not only are you expensive, but you are a perfectly functional mid-weight jacket that would round out any wardrobe. Sure, your colors may be a bit bold and your two tone structure somewhat antiquated, but no one deserves to be relegated to the back of the closet when he has so much life left in him. I appreciate your service and to this date, 10 years after my high school graduation, I still wear you proudly. (well, not really... everyone would make fun of me... but I wish I could... I really wish I could)

Keep on truckin!
Your #1 fan

Dear Roger Federer...

Dear Roger Federer,

Seriously, Roger, does it get any better??? Four consecutive U.S. Opens, 12 Grand Slam titles, and a fan letter from me!!!

Watching you play is like poetry in motion. Your tennis is effortless and you make everyone else seem like a hack. Unless they beat you. In which case, they seem masterful. And you do it all without sleeveless shirts, on-court dramatics, and short pants. It is a pleasure watching you play. Thank you.

Sincerely,
Your #1 fan

Dear Heelys...

Dear Heelys,

I saw you this weekend at the grocery store. There was a kid rolling his way down the gently sloped parking lot to the car. I watched him go all the way down the hill, admiring how cool he looked and secretly hoping he'd hit a pebble or pot hole so I could see him trip. Not that I wanted the kid to get hurt, but it seemed unfair that I had to walk and he got to glide.

Reasons why I think you're great:
1. You defy the laws of English grammar... why aren't you Heelies? or Heely's? Oh, I know. It's because you're awesome.
2. Although I think you are hazardous to the health of anyone over 4 feet tall, I still want a pair.
3. Your promise FAME. Yes, FAME. Right there on your main page you list the things that members of your skate team will receive. First on that list is FAME.
4. "Freedom is a wheel in your sole"... ummm... just the best motto for a sneaker/skate ever!!! I feel all warm and fuzzy inside when I read it. And it makes me think that there is someone very clever and sarcastic working on your team.
5. Even though you only offer child sizes, you categorize your shoes into men's and women's.

Freedom is in my sole!
Your #1 fan

Dear Air Mattresses...

Dear Air Mattresses,

I think I might have slept on you once in middle school at a sleepover, but I don't really remember how that first meeting went. For the last week, however, you and I have been hanging out every night, and I must say, I'm very impressed! You inflate yourself, and you even come in the "elevated" variety so that I'm more than 6 inches off the floor when laying down! But, this has its ups and its downs. Mostly downs for me, since I have fallen off of you a few times. Twice in my sleep and a couple times while sitting on the edge. I don't blame you, I know it's my own fault for being an edge-of-bed sleeper, and I should know better than to try and sleep/sit on the edge of something squishy. And you think I'd learn, but I don't. Anyways, you are far preferable to sleeping on the floor or on a couch, and I think you would be way fun in a pool or at the beach!

Thanks for everything!
Your #1 fan

Dear Central Time Zone...

Dear Central Time Zone,



Growing up in the Eastern Time Zone, I was always kind of annoyed that TV stations would waste my time advertising for shows that were on at 10/9 central or such. I always thought that TV stations should understand that everything revolves around the Eastern Time Zone and automatically subtract that one hour. After moving to your area, Central Time Zone, I was reminded of how lame you are on New Year's Eve when we had to watch the ball drop in Times Square that was recorded an hour earlier! Boo!

Well, CTZ, it took some time, but I soon came to love that all the TV shows were on an hour earlier. I love my sleep, but I also love Conan, and when I am with you, CTZ, I can have both. I even like it that they say 10/9 central, so that we too can know what time shows will air without having to subtract 1.

Now, years later, I am in the ETZ again, and it is rocking my world. All the shows are on too late. I get sleepy and have to miss them. But really what I'm missing is you, CTZ. Can't wait to see you again!

Sincerely,
Your #1 fan

Dear Righty Tighty, Lefty Loosey...

Dear Righty Tighty, Lefty Loosey,

I've always appreciated your combination of rhyme and alliteration. Furthermore, you have helped me remember a key fact in life, and this is true no matter which hemisphere you are in. I don't remember when I first learned about you... I think it was sometime in elementary school, after I learned how to read, but before I started changing light bulbs. Anyways, the reason I thought of you is that I am currently staying in an apartment which dares to defy you. It's true! All the faucets are Righty Loosey, Lefty Tighty! There is nothing magical about that saying! I want you to know that you are sorely missed, and to commemorate your absence, I wrote a little rhyme for you... I hope you like it! If right is not tight, it's wrong!

Righting wrongs,
Your #1 fan

Dear Matt Damon...

Dear Matt Damon,

I saw the Bourne Ultimatum yesterday and it reminded me why I like you. Nope, not because of your acting, which is fine, it's great, more than great... you're famous because you're an actor. But this is why I like you... because you're clever.

Sincerely,
Your #1 fan

Dear Tay Zonday...

Dear Tay Zonday,

So, like 4.5 million other people, I've seen your videos on YouTube. Yes, chocolate rain is profound, weird, and hilarious. Yes, you take breaths away from the microphone. And yes, your video looks like it is from the 80s. But those have all been played out in many blogs and through many chocolate rain imitations. What I want to discuss is your live performance on Jimmy Kimmel. Two things impressed me: 1. you did not blink, 2. your voice is actually that deep. I'm glad you weren't faking the low voice.

Sincerely,
Your #1 fan

Dear Facebook/Friendster/Myspace...

Dear Facebook/Friendster/Myspace,

Thank you for allowing me to make "friends". I collect them like little internet trading cards! They're so much fun and I can read their profiles! I guess having "friends" is better than not having any friends at all!

Sincerely,
Your #1 fan

Dear Lindsay Lohan...

Dear Lindsay,

So, apparently things haven't been going your way lately. The whole cocaine, alcohol, arrest thing must be getting you down. Well, I hope this letter cheers you up!!!

I think you did a superduper job in The Parent Trap back when you were 10 or 8 or 12 (I can't really tell how old you were, but I think it was an even number). You were very convincing and you did a great British accent. Kudos to you, Lindsay! It's a shame that you had to peak at such a young age, but I guess once you do the best remake of the best movie ever, there's only one place to go... down. So I guess that's where you are now... down. Maybe you'll get another remake, or another Tina Fey movie! Or maybe a movie where you get to play two characters! Whatever it is, stay off the coke and booze and I'm sure you'll do a great job!

Sincerely,
Your #1 fan