Dear Matt Damon,
Congratulations on being named the sexiest man alive! I'm not sure what kind of selection process you were forced to go through, but I can only assume it was a rigorous test of your sexiness and manliness. There was probably some sort of weed-out exam administered by the Sexiness Testing Service. But, Matt, I know that those three years of Harvard came in handy in earning that smokin' sexiness aptitude score and compiling your no-doubt impressive CV. Your personal statement must have been right on the money with your combination of wit, sincerity, and sexy. And I'm sure your letters of recommendation from Brad and George carried a lot of weight. I'm glad you were able to make it through the hellish process and finally achieve your goals! So congratulations, Matt Damon, you earned this!!!!
Oh... wait... there was no application process? No CV? No grueling interviews where you have to sit there and look both sexy and manly at the same time? There were just some folks from People magazine who decided to pick you because your movies are successful and the ladies seem to like you? Even better! Congrats!!!
Sincerely,
Your #1 fan
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