Dear Righty Tighty, Lefty Loosey...

Dear Righty Tighty, Lefty Loosey,

I've always appreciated your combination of rhyme and alliteration. Furthermore, you have helped me remember a key fact in life, and this is true no matter which hemisphere you are in. I don't remember when I first learned about you... I think it was sometime in elementary school, after I learned how to read, but before I started changing light bulbs. Anyways, the reason I thought of you is that I am currently staying in an apartment which dares to defy you. It's true! All the faucets are Righty Loosey, Lefty Tighty! There is nothing magical about that saying! I want you to know that you are sorely missed, and to commemorate your absence, I wrote a little rhyme for you... I hope you like it! If right is not tight, it's wrong!

Righting wrongs,
Your #1 fan

Dear Matt Damon...

Dear Matt Damon,

I saw the Bourne Ultimatum yesterday and it reminded me why I like you. Nope, not because of your acting, which is fine, it's great, more than great... you're famous because you're an actor. But this is why I like you... because you're clever.

Sincerely,
Your #1 fan

Dear Tay Zonday...

Dear Tay Zonday,

So, like 4.5 million other people, I've seen your videos on YouTube. Yes, chocolate rain is profound, weird, and hilarious. Yes, you take breaths away from the microphone. And yes, your video looks like it is from the 80s. But those have all been played out in many blogs and through many chocolate rain imitations. What I want to discuss is your live performance on Jimmy Kimmel. Two things impressed me: 1. you did not blink, 2. your voice is actually that deep. I'm glad you weren't faking the low voice.

Sincerely,
Your #1 fan

Dear Facebook/Friendster/Myspace...

Dear Facebook/Friendster/Myspace,

Thank you for allowing me to make "friends". I collect them like little internet trading cards! They're so much fun and I can read their profiles! I guess having "friends" is better than not having any friends at all!

Sincerely,
Your #1 fan

Dear Lindsay Lohan...

Dear Lindsay,

So, apparently things haven't been going your way lately. The whole cocaine, alcohol, arrest thing must be getting you down. Well, I hope this letter cheers you up!!!

I think you did a superduper job in The Parent Trap back when you were 10 or 8 or 12 (I can't really tell how old you were, but I think it was an even number). You were very convincing and you did a great British accent. Kudos to you, Lindsay! It's a shame that you had to peak at such a young age, but I guess once you do the best remake of the best movie ever, there's only one place to go... down. So I guess that's where you are now... down. Maybe you'll get another remake, or another Tina Fey movie! Or maybe a movie where you get to play two characters! Whatever it is, stay off the coke and booze and I'm sure you'll do a great job!

Sincerely,
Your #1 fan

Dear VH1...

Dear VH1,

You see, I used to think you were the boring, older person music video channel. MTV was hipper, younger, and the owner of the original reality tv show, The Real World (where people stop being polite, and start getting real). Now, you are the only music video channel (for people with basic cable). You think in all 99 channels that I get, there could be one less religious channel or home shopping program and one more music video channel. Where are you supposed to turn when you don't like the song that's on? Certainly not the news! Oh, we could probably do with one less of those as well. All 18 news channels report on the same thing at the same time. Except Anderson Cooper. He goes beyond the headlines to tell stories in-depth. I digress... I love VH1 Jump Start in the morning. I like watching two solid weeks of the same music videos over and over. I like going to school with "umbrella... ella... ella... eh... eh... eh" stuck in my head. I like being in touch with the music. What I don't understand is, what happens to all the other music videos? Who watches them? The situation used to be better for music videos when MTV still played lots of hip hop videos in the mornings. But recently they have started to show some below average reality show that I don't know. Anyway, keep playing those music videos!

Sincerely,
Your #1 fan

Dear Champagne...

Dear Champagne,

You're so delicious and bubbly! I just got back from a wedding, and now I can't stop thinking about you. My words alone cannot do you justice, but Don Ho's can...

Tiny bubbles in the wine,
make me happy, make me feel fine,
tiny bubbles make me warm all over
with a feeling that I'm gonna love you 'til the end of time.

So here's to the golden moon,
and here's to the silver sea,
and mostly here's a toast to you and me,

Cheers,
Your #1 fan

Dear Valet People...

Dear Valet People,

I was going to address the letter to Valet Men, but then I realized that just because I have never seen a Valet Woman does not preclude her existence. So I wrote to the gender-neutral Valet People instead. I guess being a Valet Person is a pretty male-dominated field, though... kinda like orthopedic surgery, pipe fitting, and men's basketball. Anyway, I just wanted to write and tell you how much fun it is to watch you guys run to go get the cars! Literally, run. There's always a string of you, running that same course... almost like a trail of ants. I think it is supercute! Some of you put a little more effort into it than others (honestly! some of you look like you're just going through the motions!), but, in general, it's a good show. I believe that you are trying to get my car as fast as your little legs can. Although, you know, you totally give away the secret places you park the cars. It kind of dilutes the mystery of the valet, but I'm learning to deal with it. Also, I think you are all excellent reverse parkers! I once backed into a pole while reversing my car into a spot, so I have a particular appreciation for this skill. Keep up the good work!

Sincerely,
Your #1 fan

Dear Wireless Internet...

Dear Wireless Internet,

Thank you for setting me free! Now I can keep my laptop by my side... at the ready... on the tips of my fingers... almost. Although you have set me free from the chains of my modem, I am still held captive by the power cord and the ridiculously low battery life of laptops. But I appreciate your effort!

Thanks!
Your #1 fan

Dear Fug Girls...

Dear Fug Girls,

I cannot believe I have put off writing your letter for this long. I have been overwhelmed by my feelings, and subsequently avoided articulating them. But I have so much to say! I think a list would be easier for me...

Things I love about your site...

1. this post about Jessica Simpson
2. your love/hate relationships with Lindsey Lohan and the Peldons
3. Intern George
4. your dedication to the demise of leggings, tiny vests, and too-skinniness
5. Intern George
6. Celebrity Terror Watch (with the easy to understand color-coded scale)


Things I don't love about your site...
nothing!

Could you hook me up with an intern also? Preferably one named Brad? Thanks a bunch!!

Sincerely,
Your #1 fan